The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie - Movie Review

Welcome to my reviews for the SpongeBob movies leading up to The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge On the Run coming out in May, I am really looking forward to it, so it made sense to review the two movies that are already out.  I have been a massive SpongeBob fan for basically all my life, I grew up watching the show, the first 3 seasons are some of the best stuff children's television has to offer.  This is actually the 2nd movie I ever saw in theaters, the first being The Incredibles.   So 15 years later, how does this movie hold up?  I still really enjoy it.  It is still a very fun movie with lots of good comedy.  It's not perfect though, which I will get to in flaws, but let's talk about the good this movie has to offer.  The ice cream scene was great, I loved it, it was hilarious, and the hangover scene immediately after it was even better.  Patrick Star is by far the best part of the movie, he has all the best moments in the movie.  Another scene that was really funny was the "baby hunt" scene in the thug bar.  This movie is full of great memorable moments.  It's just a fun time.  The animation is also really good, it's far more polished than the show.  Also don't pretend the scene where SpongeBob and Patrick die didn't get you emotionally!  Any real SpongeBob fan would have felt that!  Also the David Hasselhoff bit in the final act was really good.  The voice acting is also really great, Jeffrey Tambor as King Neptune, Scarlett Johansson as Neptune's daughter, Mindy and Alec Baldwin as Dennis, the biker sent by Plankton to exterminate SpongeBob and Patrick, all REALLY good!  And last but certainly not least, the Goofy Goober rock scene at the end, who could possibly forget that!  As for flaws, I thought this movie could have done a lot more in terms for adult humor, the first 3 seasons were a gold mine for great adult humor.  Seriously, the first 3 seasons contain stuff like calling Squidward an ass by showing a donkey image on screen, attempting to make a health inspector so sick it could potentially kill him and then trying to hide the body, it even showed blood and internal organs the odd time.  This movie could have used more adult stuff like that, but the drunk ice cream and hangover was really all it had to offer.  Basically the movie felt very clean and sanitized compared to the first 3 seasons of the show.  So overall I think the first SpongeBob movie is very enjoyable, I for the most part love it, it has plenty of great moments, very memorable.  It's definitely a worthy companion to the show.

Grade:  A-

Run time:  87 min

MPAA:  PG (for some mild crude humor)

Studio:  Paramount Pictures

Charlie's Angels (2019) - Movie Review

So Charlie's Angels is the latest attempt at bringing these characters to the big screen, we have gotten 2 of them before with Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore and Lucy Liu in the early 2000s.  They were cheesy and silly but they worked for the most part, they knew they were silly, cheesy junk food entertainment.  This film stars Kristen Stewart, Naomi Scott, Ella Balinska, Patrick Stewart, and has a pretty simple plot.  When a young systems engineer blows the whistle on a dangerous technology, Charlie's Angels are called into action, putting their lives on the line to protect us all.  That's the basic jist of the movie.  This movie I wasn't planning to see but Ford v Ferrari wasn't in my area yet so I saw this instead.  God fucking damn it I wish I waited because this movie.....is a fucking trainwreck.  I hated this movie with a burning passion.  I thought Men in Black: International was a passionless, boring piece of shit, which it still is, but this makes THAT look like a cinematic masterpiece!  Oh this movie got onto my fucking nerves!  This is the worst movie I have seen this year, without question.  Okay, let's calm down, let's explain why this movie is beyond garbage.  This movie doesn't have a personality, it is so bland, so tacked on, so lazy, it felt like the studio gave a 12 year old rights to write the screenplay, which is actually an insult to 12 year olds because a fucking 12 year old can write better material than this. What it REALLY felt like was that a studio executive had a long day planning out future projects, was falling asleep in the conference room and somebody reminded him that a new Charlie's Angels movie had to be out soon so they looked at a random person and was like, "Fuck it, hire that random guy/girl who probably never took film production or creative writing classes in his life, they're good enough I guess."  There is no good humor, not once did I laugh, chuckle, or even smile.  This movie wastes its cast, particularly Patrick Stewart.  Seriously Patrick Stewart, what are you doing?  You were in Logan, you were in Green Room.  What's going on?  You went from the great movies I had mentioned to The Emoji Movie, and now this?  Get your shit together, pick better projects already, you are better than this, don't end up like Will Smith.  The action sequences and editing are by far my biggest issues with the movie.  The action sequences are atrocious.  Whoever edited this movie needs to find a different job, because you can't keep cutting the action sequences and editing the camera work in weird, awful ways and expect it to look good.  The fight choreography is also abysmal, there is no effort in the stunt work, the fighting itself is so obviously fake.  Let's set some examples for other action movies that actually put effort in fight choreography and stunt work, movies like John Wick, The Raid, Atomic Blonde, Kill Bill, the Mission: Impossible movies, are all examples on how to do action and stunts right.  Did I mention this movie was horrendously boring?  If this movie is good for anything, it's definitely a good Nyquil substitute.  I am going to wrap this up here.  In the end, Charlie's Angels is a fucking trainwreck disaster.  Everything about it sucks, the action, editing, performances, comedy, everything.  This movie is not worth anyone's time, and I am glad it is failing!  It made $8 million opening weekend on a $55 million budget, that's pathetic.  I also find it hilarious how Elizabeth Banks (who directed this trash) thinks this is failing because "men don't like watching women in action movies".  I guess Kill Bill, Wonder Woman, Alita: Battle Angel, and Underworld don't exist.

Grade:  F

Run time:  119 min

MPAA rating:  PG-13 (for action/violence, language and some suggestive material)

Studio:  Columbia Pictures

Christopher Robin - Movie Review

Christopher Robin is the latest film in the Winnie the Pooh franchise, and tells the story of an adult Christopher Robin, who forgets about his childhood friends Winnie the Pooh and company, but reunites with them during a tough situation with his family, and Pooh and friends must show Christopher Robin what it is like to be a child again. So I was excited with the fact that Disney was putting out a live-action Winnie the Pooh movie, but when I saw the trailer, I wasn't that interested. Oh how did the trailer represent this movie quite well! This is a boring, SLOW movie! I had trouble staying awake through this. I hate to say that, because I wanted to love this movie, I love the Winnie the Pooh characters, the original Winnie the Pooh film Disney did in the 70's, and the 2011 Winnie the Pooh are some of the best stuff Disney has ever put out! I am baffled by how boring this movie was! Disney really needs to step up their game, because holy shit, they are not doing that great! I mean, I highly enjoyed Black Panther, Avengers: Infinity War, and Ant-Man and the Wasp, but guess what, THOSE WERE ALL MARVEL MOVIES!!!! It seems like Disney only put effort in their Marvel movies this year! This movie moved at a snails pace! This movie doesn't know what audience to aim for, it is too slow for kids, and too uninteresting for adults. Pooh and friends never go on interesting adventures like they usually do, Christopher Robin and other human characters are so fucking bland, I just did not give a shit about anything that went on during this film! Let's talk about the audience I saw this movie with! The theater was PACKED, pretty much every single seat was taken. The children in the audience were not having a good time, they were restless, constantly asking their parents how long the movie was (this movie is 2 whole hours) and running around the theater, quite a few adults fell asleep too. Walking out of the movie, a friend I was with including me and several other audience members all said "thank fuck it's over!" I can't wait for the Rotten Tomatoes score comes out tomorrow, I hope to god it is rotten. This movie isn't shot like a kids movie, it is shot like a hipster indie film. Also, this movie takes this shot directly out of Man of Steel and Gladiator, where Pooh is walking in this field, and puts out his arm and moves it across the grass there, and it looks EXACTLY the same as those other 2 movies I had mentioned. This film also had one of the dumbest moments in any film this year too. I will spoil this shit, I don't care, because none of you should waste your money on this piece of shit! There is a scene where Piglet, Eeyore, Tigger, Rabbit, Kanga and Roo don't believe that Christopher Robin really is who he says he is, and I shit you not that he fights an invisible Heffalump! Yes, that happens in this movie, and it is as stupid as it sounds! Christopher Robin is also kind of an asshole towards Pooh at one point in the movie. We all know how absent minded Pooh is, well at one point in the movie when they first reunite, Christopher Robin somehow forgot how Pooh was and acts like a total jerk towards him. It felt way out of character for Christopher Robin, adult or not. This next issue I have is not a huge issue, but it really bothered me. Pooh, Piglet, Tigger and Eeyore look like live-action versions of their animated Disney selves, but Rabbit and Owl, for some reason, look like an actual rabbit and an actual owl. I don't know, that was very distracting to me. I do have a couple of positives though, in terms of characters, Pooh and friends I have no issue with, they were perfectly fine, Eeyore was surprisingly the standout of them all. I was expecting Tigger to be because he is my favorite character in the franchise. Also, I like some of the sarcasm that comes from Pooh in this movie at some points in the film, I was shocked by how sarcastic Pooh got sometimes in this movie. I am going to end it here, because I have nothing else to say. Christopher Robin is an unbelievable disappointment. I will admit it isn't as bad as movies like A Wrinkle in Time, Solo and Super Troopers 2, but oh my god this was still pretty awful. It is a total snoozefest, kids didn't like it, adults didn't like it, this is one movie that I totally understand why they don't like it.

Rating:  D-

MPAA:  PG (for some action)

Run time:  105 min

Studio:  Disney

Solo: A Star Wars Story

So Solo: A Star Wars Story is the movie no one asked for but got anyway, but judging by some of the trailers, looked like it had some promise. The film tells the origin of Han Solo and how he met Lando Calrissian and Chewbacca. Alden Ehrenreich plays Han Solo, and Donald Glover plays Lando Calrissian. I'll give the movie where credit is due, Alden Ehrenreich and Donald Glover are great in their roles and try their best to save this movie because this movie is a massive pile of shit! I loved The Force Awakens, Rogue One and The Last Jedi (seriously, I don't give a fuck what people think of The Last Jedi), but this movie, holy fuck it is horrible! This movie has some of the worst pacing I have seen in a movie in a long time! This movie is ungodly boring, this movie is about 2 hours and 15 minutes, but it really feels like double that time! I am not joking when I say this, the first act especially DRAGS on forever and immediately after the first act is done the movie does a time jump! The pacing is not only too slow, but it is choppy as fuck as well! Some critics are calling it fun summer entertainment, HOW???? Deadpool 2 was fun summer entertainment, this isn't! There isn't a single memorable action scene in this trainwreck. The action is lifeless and dull, it brings nothing to the movie! Also, the humor in this movie is horrible and does not land at any point in this movie! This movie confuses references for humor. References alone is not comedy, references are comedy when you use them for a joke. I saw this in a theater in Winnipeg, and seeing this movie, maybe a handful of people chuckled during these references, not laughs, chuckles. How I can describe a lot of this movie is basically that one Captain America meme from the first Avengers movie that says I UNDERSTOOD THAT REFERENCE or some shit like that. The villain is forgettable and boring and you could easily take him out of the movie. Visually this movie is dull as shit, it doesn't come anywhere close to being as visually spectacular as The Force Awakens, Rogue One, and The Last Jedi. There were also moments where they were trying to be emotional but then they immediately cut to something else, trying to completely ignore a moment that would make us care about what is going on. I wanted to love this movie, as it is a Star Wars movie, I thought we were past making Star Wars movies of the quality of the prequel trilogy. But I guess I was wrong. Instead of seeing Solo: A Star Wars Story, go and see Deadpool 2 again, or watch The Force Awakens, Rogue One, and The Last Jedi, and the original Star Wars trilogy, 6 highly enjoyable Star Wars movies! Solo: A Star Wars Story was garbage!

Grade:  1/5
MPAA: PG-13 (for sequences of sci-fi action/violence)
Run time:  135 min
Studio:  Disney, LucasFilm Ltd.

Deadpool 2 - Movie Review

Deadpool 2 is the hugely anticipated sequel to the amazing first movie from 2016, and once again stars Ryan Reynolds as the titular character. In this film, Deadpool isn't seeking revenge, this time he must protect a kid from a mutant from the future named Cable, who was sent from the future to kill him. I know what you're saying, that is the plot of Terminator 2! Well, this movie is aware of it so you can let that go! So most of you probably know that I ADORED the first movie, it was my favorite movie of 2016, it was hilarious, violent, profane, raunchy, and it was a breath of fresh air! I was highly anticipating this movie, and HOLY FUCK this movie did not disappoint at all! This movie is even more violent, even more profane, and even more hilarious than the first one, they did tone down the raunchiness quite a bit though. This movie has rapid fire humor, there were very few moments where I wasn't laughing! This movie has sex jokes, fourth wall breaking jokes (it's Deadpool, of course there is!), and jokes about the DC Universe and the MCU! This movie has a lot of everything to offer. Ryan Reynolds once again NAILED it as Deadpool, Josh Brolin as Cable was perfect! It did take a while to get to Cable but when he does show up, he adds so much to the movie and it was fantastic! Let's talk about the action! The action in this movie is beyond amazing, not only is it filmed to perfection and complete with fantastic stunts and terrific special effects, the violence is gory as shit! This movie is almost as bloody and gratuitous as Logan was, and it was so satisfying! There is a lot of action in this movie, so if you thought there wasn't quite enough action in the first one, don't you worry, Deadpool 2 fixes that for you! The special effects, while not Avengers: Infinity War quality, are very good! The soundtrack is great too! There is one song in the final act that is used for a joke and it works so god damn well! It was hilarious and I am happy they used it for this specific scene! Also, STAY FOR THE POST CREDITS SCENE!!! It is quite possibly the greatest post credit scene I have seen in any superhero movie yet! If I do have any issue with the movie whatsoever, it is that it doesn't feel as fresh or special as the first one felt. It really doesn't have any of the emotional depth the first movie had either, but for what this movie was going for, it really didn't require that, so I was able to let that slide. So in the end, Deadpool 2 is a fantastic sequel! It was action packed, hilarious and endlessly fun! I can't wait for Deadpool 3!

Grade:  5/5
MPAA:  R (for strong violence and language throughout, sexual references and brief drug material)
Run time:  119 min 
Studio:  Twentieth Century Fox, Marvel Entertainment

The Emoji Movie - movie review (originally written on July 29th, 2017)

Funny, this poster really reminds me of the Blu-ray case for Sausage Party.

We have come a long way in the history of cinema where we have received films such as Jaws, Jurassic Park, Terminator 2 and many more!  Now it's 2017, and we now have a movie about emojis!  People actually thought this would be a good idea.  But because a movie called "The Lego Movie" came out 3 years ago, and it was a great film, I was willing to give this movie a chance.  Oh how a horrible mistake that was!  This movie was fucking terrible!!!!!

Both of these screenshots explain themselves.  That is fucking sad.  Both Fifty Shades movies were better received.
(screenshots were taken when the film was initially released)

This movie is one of the worst movies of the year, if not the absolute worst!  This movie features one of the worst and forgettable stories out of any movie of 2017.  This movie has no good characters!  All the wonderfully talented actors who are voicing these characters are completely wasted!  Patrick Stewart voices the shit emoji.  THE SHIT EMOJI!!!!!!  T.J. Miller voices the main character, and he was in fucking Deadpool for crying out loud!!!  Anna Faris (who was Sam Sparks in the Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs movies) is the main character's love interest!  By the way, she was actually the worst thing about this movie!  Her character was fucking terrible, she is that kind of feminist character that people hate!  JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!!!  A large portion of this movie is the 3 main characters going through lots of apps, and people, this movie has really shitty transition between those scenes!  This movie has the worst editing I have ever seen since Fantastic Four in 2015.  This movie is also so fucking BORING!!!!  This movie was never funny, and this movie feels so much longer than 86 minutes!   This movie was so bad that even 98% of the kids in the theater I was at didn't like it!  The theater was DEAD SILENT!!!  I took 2 of my cousins to see this movie, one of them actually liked it but she was only 3 at the time so I will cut her some slack.  I honestly think Sony should be ashamed, just like they should be ashamed for Ghostbusters (2016)!  To keep this review short, The Emoji Movie is a fucking train wreck!  No kid should see this, kids have much better movies to watch!  This is a movie with absolutely no redeeming qualities.

Grade:  F
MPAA: PG (for rude humor)
Run time:  86 min
Studio:  Columbia Pictures, Sony Pictures Animation

Justice League - movie review

The long awaited superhero team up is finally here for the very first time on the big screen.  Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, The Flash, Cyborg, Aquaman, they are all here!  Is this action-packed extravaganza worth the ticket price?  Well, both yes and no.  The positives are that the action sequences are fantastic!  They are very well shot, they look cool, and the characters are really what make them fun!  This movie also has a nicely written script with some really good humor.  This so far is the lightest movie in the DC Extended Universe in tone.  It's light hearted and humorous.  Batman, Wonder Woman and The Flash are by far the best parts of the movie, they kick the most ass in the action scenes, and they have the best humor.  With all the positives out of the way, now we have to point out the negatives.  First of all, the CGI in this movie for the most part is really weak, sometimes Baywatch levels of weak.  Cyborg is very poorly executed in the movie, not only is the CGI on him pretty terrible, but he has some of the worst humor and lines in the movie.  For example, he says "Boo-yeah" in this movie.  I wish I was joking, but I'm not.  Steppenwolf is actually worse than most MCU villains.  He is so bland, so forgettable, and just there to be the bad guy, it's actually really pathetic.  The film also feels very rushed at 121 minutes.  I heard the original cut was 170 minutes, and I wish it could have stayed at that.  This movie would have been so epic at 170 minutes, but thanks to Warner Bros. and their awfully stupid decision making, that never happened.  Hopefully the Blu-ray comes with the original cut.  Make it happen!  So in the end, Justice League is just an okay film, it's nowhere near the epic, badass movie I was hoping for, but for what it does, it gets the job done.

Grade:  B
MPAA:  PG-13 for sequences of sci-fi violence and action