Black Christmas (2019) - Movie Review/Rant

Black Christmas is the latest horror film from Blumhouse.  Blumhouse over the years have become the biggest studio name in horror and over the past couple years they have been very good.  Of course there have been a few missteps along the way like Ma and Truth or Dare, but other films like Halloween (2018) and Happy Death Day have been okay and others like Get Out, Us, Split, Happy Death Day 2U have been pretty damn great!  Going into this I was a bit nervous, it's a PG-13 slasher film for one, you could say Happy Death Day is a PG-13 slasher film, which it is, but those movies focus more on comedy and creativity in their stories rather than the kills.  Another thing that made me nervous were the terrible trailers.  This movie was horrendous.  I could not find a single redeeming quality in this entire film.  This isn't really even a horror film.  This is an SJW feminazi, #metoo movement propaganda film, with elements of a slasher movie in it.  This movie shoves its political messages so far down your throat, fucking just beats you over the head with it, this movie has no idea what subtlety is.  I have never seen a movie this unnecessarily politically charged.  I skipped a movie that came out earlier this year called Hustlers. Why did I skip that movie?  The very same reason why I should have skipped this one.  It was a film that seemed more interested in gaining social justice brownie points rather than entertaining its audience and actually telling a worthwhile story.  Slasher films are not particularly known for strong stories but I know they can be entertaining, that's why I love franchises like Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street.  Black Christmas is not interested in either being entertaining or telling a good story.  The kills in the film are so badly executed and so quick that you have a "you blink and you miss" situation.  Because of its PG-13 rating, there can't be any gore or brutality.  The acting is not good at all.  I didn't like any of the characters.  The only people I can see liking this film are hardcore feminists who think men are the lowest form of life on Earth.  As you can tell, I HATED this film.  You're no longer the worst piece of shit of 2019 Charlie's Angels, Black Christmas took that place!  Don't go and see this, fucking skip it and make it fail as badly as Charlie's Angels did, this movie belongs in hell.

Grade:  F

Run time:  92 min

MPAA:  PG-13 (for violence, terror, thematic content involving sexual assault, language, sexual material and drinking)

Studio:  Universal Pictures 

Bad Santa - Movie Review (Contains Spoilers)

I was really thinking about what movie I should start with for a bunch of Christmas movie reviews I want to do, I was thinking about Better Watch Out, but that would be an extremely vague review as that is a movie I want people who haven't seen it to go into that knowing as little as possible, I was thinking of Die Hard, but I want to save my all time favorite Christmas movie for Christmas Day, and Home Alone would be too predictable, so I decided to start with one of my favorite comedies, Bad Santa.  Bad Santa is a hilarious, endlessly quotable comedy that seriously never gets old.  It features a wonderfully cold, douchy, and funny performance by Billy Bob Thornton, who plays the main character, Willie, an alcoholic, sex addicted loser who robs shopping malls every year on the night of Christmas Eve, with the help of his black midget sidekick, Marcus (played by Tony Cox).  Later into the movie, Willie befriends an 8 year old boy named Thurman Merman (fucking hilarious name, I wonder if he ever got bullied because of the name), who has got to be the most idiotic kids ever, but steals a lot of the scenes in the film.  He willingly lets Willie steal money from his father's safe (you find out his father is in prison), like wow!  Willie's reactions to Thurman's shit is gold, a lot of the film's best comedy comes from the banter between Willie and Thurman.  Everyone is great in the film, from Bernie Mac who plays the guy on Willie and Marcus' case, John Ritter as their pussy ass boss, there is so much good talent here!  This film isn't for everyone though, if you hate movies with tons of swearing, movies that make light of otherwise depressing situations, don't watch it, it will piss you off.  I am going to end it here, make it short and sweet like usual, Bad Santa is a wonderful comedy, I watch it every year.  This movie is timeless to me, after years of enjoying it, it's still a hilarious movie.

Grade:  A+

Run time:  98 min

MPAA:  R (for pervasive language, strong sexual content, and some violence)

Studio:  Dimension Films, The Weinstein Company